The Beijing Olympics…my 1st official house warming party (followed by 4 more sets within the same month)….2 long weekends… the iPhone launch in the Phils……the Mindanao crisis…are but some of the important things (at least for me!) that took place in the month of august. Aside from the “historic” 08-08-08 “phenomenon”, august is the last month prior to the start of the “ber” months, which im quite excited about. Cant wait to start hearing xmas songs on radio, cooler air, longer nites ahead and seeing people being a ‘lil more generous esp towards december……
However, for some strange reasons, the last few days of august turned out to be something I didn’t quite expect……incidents that made me rethink, reanalyze and re-explore the real meaning of love and everything else that surrounds it – commitment, respect, differences, infidelity, the never ending “heart vs mind” dilemma, etc.
Just days before August 2008 closed, three (3) couples close to me have called it quits (or came close to) for some diverse reasons.
Couple #1 have been together for about 7 years already; stayed together eversince; 2 kids; decided to formalize their relationship only last year in a beautiful wedding in tagaytay; only to realize recently that they have irreconcilable differences that they cant live with. They’ve decided to end their relationship and eventually live separately away from each other by next year.
I say: realizations on personal or irreconcilable differences can actually happen after years of being together. Bad that it happened less than a year after they decided to tie the knot. At the end of the day, they made a brave decision to end it, to save the “friendship” at least; but mostly to save whatever respect they still have for each other.
p.s. Both remain friends and still living under one roof with the 2 children; with the husband sleeping in the couch =PCouple #2 have been together for quite sometime as well. Quarrels /misunderstandings have been a normal part of their lives. Guess its safe to say that a day wont pass without them having some issues to fight about – petty most of the time. The last day of Aug turned out to be the “tipping point” (or what seemed to be) for the couple – both expressed their desire to end the relationship, spent days not talking to each other despite staying together under one roof, one apparently lost as to what’s happening, the other too fed up with the seemingly endless misunderstandings they have. Fast forward >>>> they gave the relationship another…or as the other claimed “a last chance.” 2 weeks since then, remarkable improvements seen (so far!)…clashes now happen every other day. Not bad….
I say: for this round, I can say love for each other saved the relationship. However, with the “last chance” condition given to this relationship, its safe to say that “ Love” is no guarantee that both can keep up with their personal differences. Until when ? Nobody knows. We all seem to have a mental picture of the person who is just “right” for us; and until this couple are able to go beyond accepting each others flaws and/or making small changes to make this partnership work, their relationship can be compared to an empty wine glass sitting right at the tip of a very wobbly table….breakable anytime.
Couple #3 appeared to have been a “so perfectly sweet couple” to everyone who knows them…until one of them “strayed” just barely a year into the relationship. What made this case more complicated were the circumstances / people that made up this “threelogy” (three sided story). The “temporary” break up took place right before the end of august. Fast forward>>> amidst claims of this and that, the”2nd chance” was generously given barely a week after the brouhaha….to the dismay of the victims’ friends…..
I say: I made a conscious decision to talk less on this case the past days and just sensed thru the various comments and “outbursts” of those who are close to the couple. The resentments from what seems to be happening at present are normal and very predictable. I greatly admire the strong support of friends for the victim – this despite conflicting views.
I take this chance to share some random thoughts on this topic –having gone thru exactly the same experience in my not so distant past……..
>depends on how we were raised as kids, we all know that cheating is wrong; and as kindergarten students, we were told that stealing something is bad…more so if that something comes from a fellow classmate…why some people do it is something that still leaves a big “?” in my head….
> infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. I am one person who also believes in 2nd chances....only if it will be given to somebody who truly deserves it
> forgiveness shouldn’t be handed over on a silver platter. this is a situation in which forgiveness has to be earned. Otherwise, you’re setting the stage for the cheating to happen again. i truly hope this doesn’t happen with the above case.
>certain checks and balances should be set in place. The cheater needs to be fully accountable to you for as long as it takes to trust them again. It’s not a quick fix; unless you are just faking it. broken trust cant be rebuilt overnight; unless you are getting into something blindly..
>The biggest obstacle in giving second chances is the fear that “it” might happen again. it’s a valid fear since it probably took you a while to discover the affair in the first place. Like most infidelity victims, you were probably the last to know.
>A relationship that starts in infidelity weakens the foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that.
>the admission of guilt is probably one of the best things that happened here before real healing begins. the decency to tell your partner in all honesty and candor that you own your choices is but imperative; that you're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch and that this had nothing to do with your partner. If you really want to fix your relationship, you have to accept sole responsibility for your actions and NOT to tell your partner that he has this and that faults as well. Turning the table on your partner after being caught is definitely a no – no.
>be honest with yourself. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If unfaithfulness is something you really cant get rid of yet, better let go for now and fix urself first.
>it all boils down to personal values….it takes a real serious look into your life, VALUES, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. Unless you look into each of those aspects in your life, you’re going to victimize everybody who you touch because you’re controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
>the “victim” need to understand that this has nothing to do with him. You are not the one who made the decision to break a commitment. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self destructive choice to fool around. Be sure that you are clear wit this. NEVER get back into the relationship to prove anything to him. He should prove something to you and not the other way around.
>you can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again….SINCERELY.
>the biggest issue in dealing with infidelity is, can you truly and sincerely forgive? And can you manage to let go? It is easier to say you will overlook it but to really erase it from your memory is a very difficult (even impossible) thing. It will keep coming back to haunt you and you will need to deal with it.
>the decision to come together again after this experience is a decision that ONLY both parties can do – whether the rest of the world is happy or unhappy with your decision is out of the question. BUT, whether it’s the RIGHT decision is a totally different story. You just let TIME and FATE decide.
Three interesting stories showing three different sacrifices for love – the sacrifice to end a marital relationship to save the friendship and respect for each other, the sacrifice to accept the flaws of a partner to keep the relationship and finally, the sacrifice to forgive and hopefully totally forget a partners’ infidelity.
Love indeed comes with a lot of factors with it. Like a holiday package with its’ terms and conditions - such are happiness, laughter, tears, differences, forgiveness, hopes, fears and sacrifices among others. The list never ends, one can add or omit their own factors, depending on how they think of love. And it’s entirely one’s decision on how they want to live their love.
Our very existence and happiness is based on the fact that we are able to be ourselves and be genuinely happy with whoever that person is. In this respect, I commend above people who are able to make those sacrifices to save whatever there is to save.
Love, I believe, is its own religion… as long as you believe in it, then it exists…but you have to consider wether your character is capable to holding such faith… there is no “magical love,” its just a term we use to describe when someone else makes us happy, so that we can feel somewhat supernatural, or godlike ourselves with our perfect ability to love like we all believe we are supposed to… but wait….. we’re not gods…. we’re people, who can sometimes be stupid and think that things work out on their own, or just because we believe they will, and cry about it when reality wakes us up and shows us just how unsupernatural we really are…
Ok ok I couldn’t help but compare her (and the show) with the last foreign act I watched – Beyonce – sometime last year. But then I realized Alicia is Alicia. She definitely got her own groove. So despite the simply set up stage and not changing her outfit for the whole duration of the concert (she was in a plain yet sexy tight leather vest and tight black jeans) , the 27-year old singer songwriter was at her best all throughout the nite; repeatedly saying “I cant wait to come back to Manila” towards the end of the show. I actually became an instant fan =). Planning to get all her CDs as soon as I can….. 
